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Friends, the sayings and quotes from this page were compiled from
a variety of different sources.

Then was our mouth filled with laughter... Psalms 126:2a
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine... Proverbs 17:22a
A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance... Proverbs 15:13a
To everything there is a season, and a time to every
purpose under the heaven:... and a time to laugh... Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 3:4b


"Complete" and "Finished"

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between "COMPLETE" and "FINISHED".  However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world; Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner. His final challenge was this:

 Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer:

 "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

 His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes


May you ALWAYS make the right move

May your cup runneth over with love

May You ALWAYS Find Shelter From Any Storm

May you remain good looking and looking good.

May you find the perfect diet for your body and your soul.

 

May you find perfect balance in the company you keep.

May you have as much fun as you can before someone makes you
    stop.

May the worst thing that happens to you come in slobbery pink
    and furry TAN.


May you manage to MAKE time for Time Out!


May all the new folks you meet be interesting and
    kind.

May you always know when to walk away…..And
    when to RUN!

AND
    MAY YOUR FRIENDS & FAMILY ALWAYS BRING YOU JOY


THE PASSING OF SOMEONE ELSE 

The Church was shocked this week to learn that one of our most faithful members, Someone Else, had passed away. This death creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Someone Else had been with us for many years, during all those years He did far more than a normal person’s share of work. Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration, as well as results, Someone Else always was looked to whenever there was a job to do; a class to teach or a meeting to attend; one name was always on everyone’s list, Someone Else will do it.  Someone Else was always among the biggest givers in the Church. Whenever there was a financial need , everyone assumed that Someone Else would make up the difference.

This beloved Church member was a wonderful person, sometimes appearing superhuman, but one person can only do so much. Everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone. Who will pitch in to do the things Someone Else has always done ? If you are asked to take a job in the Church, we hope you won’t reply,“Let Someone Else do it.” Now we need you to pick up where Someone Else left off! 

There are many who will read this that USED TO BE FAITHFUL, BUT LIKE DEMAS hath Forsaken for Love of THIS PRESENT WORLD. 

Sad, but true……….meant to be funny I’m sure, but more FACTS than Fiction

 


Some Cool Signs....


 

Holy Humor

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.  She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up." 

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny.  "How could he, with just two worms?" 

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23.  She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.  Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.  After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.  When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.  One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.

"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked. 

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night?  That's very commendable.  What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).  For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "and all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.  My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response; "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.  Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted.  “We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained.  "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!” 

THE BIBLE
Did you know that...
When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache.
When you open it, he collapses.
When he sees you reading it, he faints.


 

Choir Director and Pastor Feud

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Baptist Church. It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on dedicating yourselves to service.

The Choir Director chose to sing:

"I Shall Not Be Moved"

Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on giving.

The choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn:

"Jesus Paid It All"

By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on the sin of gossiping.

Would you believe the Choir Director selected:

"I Love To Tell The Story"

There was no turning back.

The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resigning. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in:

"Why Not Tonight."

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.

The Choir Director could not resist:

"What A Friend We Have In Jesus."

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!


~Going out is good…..Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names.... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he or she does in bed. It's called their "pre-sleep".

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married... Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem.... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ...."what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband/wife has a night out with the guys or gals but is home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your spouse has retired .....you'd give anything if he/she would find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs, old movies, And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!



The story begins with the rescuers finding this poor little guy they named Ralphie.
Someone had already taken him under their wing but they weren't equipped to adopt.


Ralphie, scared and starved, joined his rescuers.


I wouldn't think anything could live thru this....but we were wrong.


This little lady also survived that wreckage.


Here she is just placed in the car - scared, but safe.


and then..they are no longer alone!


Instant friends, they comforted each other while in the car.


Add two more beagles found after that.. the more, the merrier!


Oh boy, a new traveler to add to the mix.. (Note: the cat coming over the seat needing shelter...)
Now just how is this going to work? (and remember they are all strange to one another)


It's going to work just fine, thank you very much!


Wow! The things we learn from our animal friends... If only all of mankind could learn such valuable lessons as this. Lessons of instant friendship. Of peace and harmony by way of respect for one another -- no matter one's color or creed. These animals tell you... "It's just good to be alive and with others." Yes, it surely is.


 


Observations on Growing Older 

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect! 

~Going out is good...Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!" 

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them. 

~You forget names.... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!! 

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds. 

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf. 

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember. 

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore. 

~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he or she does in bed.  It's called their "pre-sleep". 

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married....Now, "I hope they STAY married!" 

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.. 

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem....were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table 

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ...."what?"..."when?"... ??? 

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere. 

~Your husband/wife has a night out with the guys or gals but is home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M. 

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it. 

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!! 

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your spouse has retired ....you'd give anything if he/she would find a job!


~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ....2 of which you will never wear. 

~But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!


 


Just before the funeral services, 
the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
 
'How old was your husband?' 
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me' 
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. 
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
 

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. 
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
 

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
 

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, 
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
. 
I'm half blind, 
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 
Take 40 different medications that 
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 
Have bouts with dementia... 
Have poor circulation; 
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. 
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, 
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
 
So I got my doctor's permission to 
Join a fitness club and start exercising. 
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. 
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.,. 
But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. 

It's scary when you start making the same noises

as your coffee maker. 

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,

"For fast relief" 


THE SENILITY PRAYER: 
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, 
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, 
and the eyesight to tell the difference...
 

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others..

Oh heck, 
give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! 

Always Remember This:
 
You don't stop laughing because you grow
 old, 
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

 


Retirees

Question:  How many days in a week?
Answer:    6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday   

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? 
Answer:    Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:   How many retirees to change a light bulb?   
Answer:     Only one, but it might take all day. 

Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer:     There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?   
Answer:    The term comes with a 10% percent discount.   

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?   
Answer:    Tied shoes. 

Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:     They are the only ones who have the time.

Question:  What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer:     NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to  clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer:       They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. 

Question:   What do retirees call a long lunch? 
Answer:      Normal   

Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer:    The never ending Coffee Break. 

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?   ;
Answer :    If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.
 
Question: Why does a retiree often say he  doesn't miss work, but  misses the people he used to work with?
Answer:    He is too polite to tell the whole truth. 

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer:    Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.


I Owe My Mother

 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.  My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. "Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.  She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'  A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA  
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.  Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.' Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked. 'Well, no, Mom.  But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THIS IS MY FAVORITE!!!
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23.   She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.  Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.  One day, she asked him why.   'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.  'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked..

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.  Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'  Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS    
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).   For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.'  This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.  My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER       
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.  Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.  'Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer.'  said his mother.   'I don't need to,'  the boy replied.  'Of course, you do.'  his mother insisted.  'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's at our house.'  Johnny explained.  'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'


Merry Christmas!


Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!

 

 

 



They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
________________________________________________________

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone  shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
___________________________________________________________

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.  She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'
They Walk Among Us!
____________________________________________________________

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
____________________________________________________________

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.
They Walk Among Us!
___________________________________________________________

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
______________________________________________________________

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and. went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'....
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
_____________________________________________________________

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!


THE BAPTIST LITTLE WHITE LIE CAKE

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events:

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom. Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think?
She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!  All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before
she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!" Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the
hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

 


Tips For 2010

1.) Stay out of trouble...

 

2.) Aim for greater heights...

 

3.) Stay focused on your job...

 

4.) Exercise to maintain good health...

 

5.) Practice teamwork...

 

6.) Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back.
Take your time trusting others...

 

7.) Save for rainy days...

 

8.) Rest and relax

 

9.) Always take time to smile...

 

10.) Realize that nothing is impossible...


This Should Make You Smile

SERENITY  
 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied, 'two years older than me'. 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.



I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia; have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour but, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.



These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,

“For fast relief”



THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference..



Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!



Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow
old, You grow old because you stop laughing!!!


PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

SMILE, God Loves You!


Two Lit'l Boys

 

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!"
she asked as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy,"
 he said.
"I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father,
the Son and in...the hole-he-goes. "


Our English cousins have always had a way with words.....


JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The frightened passenger apologized and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years! 


Dog Logic

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

-Michael Combs

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. 

-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

-Peter Dorsett

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

-Andy Rooney

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

-  Franklin  P. Jones

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money.

-Joe Weinstein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is 
the principal difference between a dog and a man. 

-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

-Phil Pastoret


 

Now, wasn't that worth a few
moments of your time

in the midst of all the craziness
going on???

 
 
2006, Search The Word Ministry